What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
