My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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