I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
