Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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