i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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