Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
