so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
