You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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