Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
