I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
