She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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