He uses pillows to masturbate.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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