i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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