yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
