His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
