Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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