I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
