Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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