Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
