dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
