I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
