FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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