It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
