Your mouth is God's brothel.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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