your parents love me but you hate me
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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