He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
