i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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