soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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