take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
