good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
