shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
BRING THE BAGELS
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
