sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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