i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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