evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
