Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
