They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
