the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
