just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
