So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
