Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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