You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
