I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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