Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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