Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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