I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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