My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
