God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Me too!
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
