I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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