so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
