Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
